Ahh, the Wet Song. You may be familiar. A song so soppy, so gooey that it almost makes you embarrassed for the artist singing it. Such songs are always about love, due primarily to the abundant potential for melodrama, whether it be unrequited or reciprocated. No, it isn’t lost on me that almost every generic pop song is also written in accordance to these themes, but the thing that makes the Wet Song different is the sheer scale of moisture involved.
The important thing to note is that the Wet Song differs from your average love ballad. The Wet Song is a love ballad on steroids. The more dramatic the lyrics, the more glass-shattering the choruses, the more key changes and harmonies, the better. I’m not just talking about bog-standard ballads by Foreigner and Journey (although Faithfully has impressive Wet Song potential). I’m talking Air Supply (Making Love Out of Nothing At All), Chicago (You’re the Inspiration) and Survivor (Ever Since the World Began). However, of all the Wet Songs I have ever come across, the soggiest, without a doubt, is awarded to When I Look Into Your Eyes by Firehouse. Über-soppy lyrics. Arena-melting guitar. Harmonies everywhere. Dramatic key change. Makes you want to fall to your knees and rip at your shirt with your hair blowing in front of a giant fan. Full shebang. It’s brilliant.
This is my point. I love Wet Songs. Who couldn’t? Even if you only like them when you’re drunk, that still means that on some level, you’re feeling it. They go so far beyond the line of cringe that you no longer need to feel shame because it’s impossible to be unaware of the ridiculousness of them. Therefore, the level of self-awareness negates any sense of shame one may feel for listening to the Wet Song. It’s perfect. Plus, despite the insane levels of sop, the songs are actually really good. The thing about a good, melodramatic love song is that they often have really, really brilliant melodies. While you might listen to a nice love song or a ballad every now and then just because, a Wet Song is the ultimate emotional catharsis. Even when you can’t be bothered to move, you can just sit on your laptop and listen to a Wet Song, and by the time it’s over, you’re so emotionally exhausted from listening to it that you feel lighter, and the artist has actually done all the work for you. It’s a win-win.
Let us all rejoice in the glory of the Wet Song. Rejoice in the cringe. Do not be ashamed. If you really can’t take it, just use headphones – you can still turn on the fan.